I'm sad. I really am. I feel so sad.

I usually am happy but...

OK, I have a wish and I don't think it will come true. I just want him to be there, but I know he won't.

I've wished for him to be there so many times.

Am I that desperate?

I suppose I am.

I suppose I am.

I'm going to smile though. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to give thanks to God for His unfailing love. For his merciful salvation and abundant blessings. Anything painful or disheartening I am going to push out of my heart. Why should I worry?

Why should I worry.

In His time, He makes all things beautiful. Lord please show me every day as you're teaching me your way that You do just what You say --- in Your time.

He won't. He just won't. Why won't he? Is it because I'm 60 lbs overweight? Is it because I'm black? Is it because I live 4hrs away? Is it because of his ex from 3 years ago --- (puh-lease). Is it because my bipolar covered my personality too much?

Probably a little bit of all of the above.

But I wish he would. Wouldn't it be wonderful for this search to be over. I hate this search so much. And I've "known" him for 3 months. I really wish he would. I have a feeling that as I get to know him even better, I'll be wishing more and more that he would.

So what do I do? Keep getting to know him better -- and wishing that he would? Or do I completely walk away and don't look back?

I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't want to hear that he found a new girl. However, I think he needs to have his little rebound thing so maybe I wouldn't be too sorry to hear that he found someone. I honestly think he needs a rebound relationship because IMHO he's very confused as to what he wants.

I'll keep praying. Not that God would give me what I want -- but what He wants.

"The writer is supposed to be brave and daring and to ask the
questions others fear asking and to say if need be that the emperor
has no clothes." - Marita Golden

I stole this quote from a friend. She's a journalist. I've had to retract my spoken words so many times. I've wished I could retract my written words ~ but it's far more difficult.

~M

Okay, so the title's corny. I am having the absolute worst week of the year. Balah. Bulah. BLAH! No, I take it back. It was just very difficult. The worst could be yet to come.

So now it's father's day right? Well, it will be in two days. I just had two teeth pulled so hopefully I can get out of doing anything at church (wink)

No, I don't mind doing stuff at church. I just don't want to sing right now. Why? Oh no reason, it's just that my mouth is a tad sore.

So I'd like to talk about my surgery. I'll give a play by play. I went in half asleep. (It was 8am.) I got shot with novacaine. I was used to this since I'm forever getting cavities. I eat candy ALL the time and I NEVER floss. ;-)

So the whole time I had my workout music blaring. The first song was the Shrek song, the second was a nice techno dj mix, and the third song was my Superman song... "If I go crazy then will you still call me superman..." Incidentally, this is a great spinning song. It turned out to be a great drill song too. The dentist was drilling while this was playing. He must be very strong cuz he just pulled those teeth out in 15 minutes flat. I saw the teeth when it was over. They looked huge. The roots are quite long.

I felt pretty powerful myself - like almost brave, you know?

Okay, this was a nonsense post. I much prefer to focus on nonsense. It helps me block out reality. (Which is simply too difficult to focus on sometimes.) The thing is that nonsense has a huge impact on reality. For example, this surgery wasn't really nonsense at all.

I wish I had done it ages ago.

NEways, Cherio!

My heart is so full. It's Mother's Day today.

No, I don't think I can do it... The answer is no: not to blog.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Y2K + 7!!!!!!!

It's so super hard to believe it! I'm am so totally loving this year already.

This year looks like it's going to be a good year. In fact, that's my only resolution. To make this a great year.

The thing I love the most about how this year is looking is that the only people who are surrounding my life right now are the people that I want to be surrounding my life for the rest of my life.

Here's to 2007! Love to all reading this!

The past week since the accident has been dreadful. I haven't slept well one single night since. This isn't because I'm thinking about the accident, but I'm just on edge. I keep forgetting little things and getting into careless scrapes. But also my bad luck has continued.

Two days after the crash, I left work early for a doctors appt. I've been putting this apot off for way way too long. I'd scheduled and cancelled for over a year. And finally, I was sitting in the doctors office... when I found out the wait was going to be over an hour and a half. Well, I had my first class scheduled that night. (I had double checked the schedule this time.) So I had to cancel my appt again and leave for the class. When I got to the class room, which was locked, I waited for ages before deciding to go home as no one else showed up. I was so mad. I left an important appt. and had to take 3 hrs vacation at work to pay for my missing time -- all for nothing.

A couple days went by with only minor fiascos. Then someone got hugely mad at me. And I think we're still not talking. So I became even more distracted and it was even harder to sleep. Then the day of the next class.. (I'm trying again) I go out and forget to put gas in my car. I also forget to take money or credit cards. So after going to a 3 hr class that last for 1/2 hr. (intro stuff, argghh!) I'm driving home, and my car shuts down. One week from the crash, I'm stranded by the highway, waiting for AAA to bring me gas.

My head is totally spinning I got practically no sleep last night. These are just the highlights off the queerest week ever.