I'm sad. I really am. I feel so sad.

I usually am happy but...

OK, I have a wish and I don't think it will come true. I just want him to be there, but I know he won't.

I've wished for him to be there so many times.

Am I that desperate?

I suppose I am.

I suppose I am.

I'm going to smile though. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to give thanks to God for His unfailing love. For his merciful salvation and abundant blessings. Anything painful or disheartening I am going to push out of my heart. Why should I worry?

Why should I worry.

In His time, He makes all things beautiful. Lord please show me every day as you're teaching me your way that You do just what You say --- in Your time.

He won't. He just won't. Why won't he? Is it because I'm 60 lbs overweight? Is it because I'm black? Is it because I live 4hrs away? Is it because of his ex from 3 years ago --- (puh-lease). Is it because my bipolar covered my personality too much?

Probably a little bit of all of the above.

But I wish he would. Wouldn't it be wonderful for this search to be over. I hate this search so much. And I've "known" him for 3 months. I really wish he would. I have a feeling that as I get to know him even better, I'll be wishing more and more that he would.

So what do I do? Keep getting to know him better -- and wishing that he would? Or do I completely walk away and don't look back?

I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't want to hear that he found a new girl. However, I think he needs to have his little rebound thing so maybe I wouldn't be too sorry to hear that he found someone. I honestly think he needs a rebound relationship because IMHO he's very confused as to what he wants.

I'll keep praying. Not that God would give me what I want -- but what He wants.